I am midnight drunk by noon
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
