He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
