The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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