a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize