i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
