i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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