i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
