i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
