dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize