Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
