But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
