I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
