I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
