she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
