Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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