You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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