St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
being pregnant is like rehab
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
