i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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