Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
