True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
