i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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