I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think I am morally bankrupt
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
