You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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