I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
