I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
