a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
