Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
