He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
