guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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