my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
