so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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