I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
