I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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