I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
