it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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