It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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