I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
