She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Sponge bath it is.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
