I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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