This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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