why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish you could order shots online.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You took a bar mat shot.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
