the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
