I bet he comes in French.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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