I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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