my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
