I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
