Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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