i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
did i walk over a car last night?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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