Your dad touched me again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
