Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
