i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
