i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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