Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
