he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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