I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
