Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
