You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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