Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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