Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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