They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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