I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
