Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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